Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
