Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize