I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
