Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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