This is not my ceiling
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
