I understand why you refuse to be sober now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
