That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
