Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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