Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
