All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
