just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
