kristin has been a bad kristin
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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