Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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