I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
