I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
