The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
