I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
