Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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