my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I am spending my child support on dildos
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize