If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
