My first STD was from a foam party
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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