The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
