I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
