I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Randomize
