Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize