woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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