I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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