i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
