just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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