No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
