what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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