Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
