I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
