I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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