Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I think your dad took our porno
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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