I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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