when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
