i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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