My liver just broke up with me...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
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