so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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