Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
