I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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