If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
