I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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