I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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