I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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