Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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