At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
