bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
