So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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