you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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