moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
high people should be assigned attendants
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
