I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
