Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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