watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
