My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it because I queefed?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
