dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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