is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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