Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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