I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
